wow.. def haven't been keeping up with this. i must say i'm so thankful for my new xanga friend robert. you've helped me out in ways i never thought possible you helped me keep my calm & whatnot.

things have been good lately.. i'm still trying to find a job... i want one so bad but i want a def. schedule && quiet && full time most importantly. things are better with the fiancee' for once i think things are gonna work itself out. we haven't really argued or anything in a few days.. i had one night that i just bawled to my momma talking to her. she helped... i'm thinking i'm gonna have to exchange numbers with robert for txting since he's basically awesome. fiancee' wants us to look at a new apartment that does rent based on salary brand new apt no tenants have been occupying it hopefully it'll work... he says it's twice the size and we'll have two bedrooms one master and one for his son. maybe that's gonna help out as well we won't be as stretched for money and less stress on the two of us meaning less arguments. i've been changing my ways for quite sometime now... we're both seeing improvements.

i have been having one situation... not a good one. i've been having dreams of my first love ... sadly it's my abusive one. i don't know why but it makes me wonder what if... i know i'm in love with my fiancee' i think it's just your first love will always have a piece of your heart... it may also be a test by god? i know i can't go back to my ex  i don't want to. i think it's just a bit of jealousy because he recently got a new girl for the first time since we broke up.

for now though in the relationship i can't complain... i'm loving it again.. i think we just hit stress and a bump... we got our taxes back today so we're taken care of for a while. we're happy, we've apologized for things the way they were recently... it seems like we're actually back to the happiness we were once in.

haven't updated... hadn't been in the mood... but here goes...

fiancee had to work friday when normally he's off... after he got off he went to the monster jam because his friend that i'm not a fan of for good reason had tickets for him at will call... i didn't know he was there until after i txted him saying "wherever you are i hope you're safe and enjoying yourself." i wasn't mad that he went but i didn't want to start an arguement and just let it go because we had gotten into an argument earlier that morning so i wanted him to be alone. he came home and things were good. he had to return back to work at 6am and picking up a coworker on the way.

my parents picked me up since i had wrecked my car last month to take me to the dmv to replace my stolen one. mom was in pain... severe pain. she couldn't really catch her breath if you listened to her... dad and i kept trying to tell her to let us take her to the hospital in greenville but she refused. we went from the dmv to walmart because they bought me my birthday card from my grandparents enclosed was twenty dollars && fiancee agreed that we put it in our savings account so i did. on the way dad got me my beloved happy meal from mcd. after walmart we came back to the apt. mom asked to go home to get in her bed saying if she felt better that they'll meet up with me, the fiancee', my sister, and her hubby. i asked dad what he was going to do and he said he was going to try to get her to the hospital in anderson because that's where i was born && bred and mom's doctors were there that he would call around four.

i was worried about my mom that when i got in the apartment i broke down. i hate seeing my parents in pain. i txted the fiancee asking him how long it'd be before they'd let him leave that i needed him because i was so upset. about an hour or two later he called saying he was off and was going to get his haircut for the dinner! (robert -- i was ecstatic! i really thought he might've not come) my sister and i had already made the plans without mom and dad that we'd continue the dinner since it was for my twenty.first. i cleaned up the apartment with the notice that my sister was bringing her brand new dog that she didn't want to leave her alone all night. fiancee came home looking good with his haircut shorter than usual. i let him know about the dog && he understood. my sister and hubby met us at the apartment and checked it out for the first time. i was so happy to see her... a girl is lost without her sister! the dog was adorable i wish i had pictures, her name is naomi they rescued her. she's a full blood long hair chiauhuah<sp? adorable as could be. mom asked for us to call her and dad when we got together. we smoked then called and i love my momma she and dad came... we all met at my favorite resturant.. lieu's chinese bistro.

momma was still in pain you could tell she refused to go to the er still but called her doctor who thought it might be muscle spasm and called her in muscle relaxer. she's still in pain today and decided to call into work for tmrw and taking the day off to go to the dr so hopefully i'll have answers to what's wrong with my momma soon enough.

dinner was good, fiancee, hubby, and i had drinks. we had dinner and cake.

sister, hubby, fiancee, and i came back to the apartment to drink some more since my brother in law wanted to MAKE it my twenty.first and he succeeded after several hours. we had good conversations sister and i got closer in talks. it was a good night. naomi made me realize how bad i want my cat. then sister and hubby left at one.

fiancee and i had a deliberation but it died out. we talked and said our true feelings. relationships really do take communication to the fullest to make it work. we both have things we still need to work on but it's good... we're back to actually talking about what we feel is wrong and whatnot. but importantly, we are still strong.

i miss my sister i'll have to explain our relationship later today but the fiancee has just gotten out of the shower so we're gonna call it a night early and go to the gym across the way at noon... if he wakes up!

lubbs. sweet dreams.

robert- thank you for everything!